FEAR

FEAR is, well… fear is complicated.

1 year 8 months 7 days.
About 88 weeks.
14,808 hours.
888,480 minutes.

And boy did I think about my FEARS for a lot of those minutes.

Almost 2 years ago now I went to an Avril Lavigne Concert and left with hearing damage. That was May 10th, 2022.

On January 17th of this year, I went to my first live event where I didn’t have to wear earplugs the whole time.

1 year 8 months and 7 days.

On May 10th, I walked into Budweiser Garden in London and knew something was wrong. I had always been more sensitive when it came to my ears but something about this time was different. I walked into the first performance and they were screaming.

Now you may ask why I was even at an Avril Lavigne concert in the first place… well it was a birthday gift I will have you know… and I was also excited! 🛹

… but because I was with a friend for her birthday, I didn’t leave when my ears started to hurt.

Because I paid money I didn’t leave when I started having to plug my ears with my fingers to limit the pain.

Because I was embarrassed, and confused I didn’t leave when I watched everyone else stand and sing while I was seated and hurting.

I stayed and I paid for it. I was afraid of leaving my friend, and admitting I was having a problem. I was anxious, afraid, and in pain. I was frozen.

Something told me… just push through because it can’t be that bad. Don’t tell your friend she won’t listen just tough it out, you are exaggerating anyway. You need to tough it out, you will be fine you know you are too sensitive.

Existential fear was overriding my physical pain and I will never understand why.

So what happened…

Well, that night wasn’t the bottom… rock bottom was about 5 months later when a hearing Doctor told me the following:

”You should have gone to the Doctor and gotten steroids, after 20 days there isn’t much we can do to treat this”

“The hearing loss, ringing (tinnitus) you are experiencing could be permanent, you have damaged the Cochlear hair cells, and we can’t replace those.”

“I’d say just stay away from loud noises/ places, do exercise/ yoga, quit drinking, and just see if it gets better”

Honestly, as I sit here writing this, I’m very angry again. That day I broke down in a way I don’t know that I ever have. Time stopped for me, and so did caring about anything. My biggest fear, an irreversible physical injury had just happened. What was the point in continuing on?

Also, it’s not like I was fucking around and being stupid during those 5 months.

People go to concerts all the time. The ringing is normal it goes away. I didn’t know this was any different, how was I supposed to know if I should see a Doctor?

In those 5 months what I did to help was…
👂I went to 4 other specialists continuously over those 5 months, with mixed results and a mixed understanding of the problem.

But I also…
👂Kept going to events because “this will go away.”

The last straw was going back to a concert in August. The day before that concert the ringing actually stopped for the first time in months. So I thought okay perfect, see I’m okay. I even brought earplugs. People were telling me, you will be fine, just keep those in. It wasn’t their fault, I just wanted to have fun too.

So why did I pressure myself to go when I FELT it was the wrong choice?

Because I was in Cleveland visiting friends and came all this way.

I spent all that money.

It had to be fixed, I had waited this long and was trying so much.

I spent that night in and out of the stairwell, ears screaming again and through the earplugs this time. My head was spinning, and yet I went back in for the big songs, shut my mouth, and toughed it out.

Hmmm… sensitive or tough, can’t be both Connor. This is a big theme I’m currently working on in therapy. No coincidence. I’m too sensitive for some people and too intense for others. I learned so much about myself from this experience.

My sensitivity to losing my hearing completely saved my ears and my toughness allowed me to persevere through 1 year 8 months 7 days and counting.

That last concert I regretted almost more than the first. It made it worse and I believed I had thrown away my last chance at getting better by going back too soon… it had landed me back at a new irreversible bottom.

Or so I thought.

After that Doctor’s Visit, I spiraled and I cut EVERYTHING OUT.

No sounds over 75 decibels to be safe. No alcohol, no events, no way I was going to let this get worse. My ears were sensitive to everything now so I would just remove it all.

I also cut EVERYONE OUT even the people who supported me, and especially those who didn’t. I was tired of toughing it out and said fuck it and did the bare minimum I had to every day.

Sure I had taken all advice and stopped doing things, but I still didn’t care about my life, I still didn’t believe it would get better. I just started going through the motions, putting in the time. I didn’t see a point in living if it didn’t get better, I thought my life was over.

Then a supporter told me, that I was becoming awful to be around. That I was so negative all the time that honestly they had reached their limit.

”I’m here for you but I can’t be around you like this,” She said.

fuck…

Something had to change… I could hurt myself sure, I didn’t give a shit about me, but I couldn’t hurt the people that were still there.

So I went to therapy, so I could let it all out, tell someone my life was a waste of time, and vent so I didn’t blow up anymore. I don’t even know that I went at first to get better. I went to let out my anger, cry all my tears, and just bury it deeper.

I had become scared.
I was scared to live without things I loved.
I was scared to try again and to fail.
I was scared it would never get better no matter how hard I tried.

It’s funny how in therapy you can be intensely angry one minute, depressingly sad another, and then oh wow, did you just catch yourself laughing AND smiling?

The moment you can laugh hysterically despite being at your absolute lowest is the moment when you realize there is hope.

One day, after I complained for the 32nd time in 4 weeks about how everyone is misinformed about hearing and concerts offer no protection my therapist stopped me and said…

”Hey Connor, what if you stopped being angry about things you can’t fix, accepted that this might not get better, and tried to fix it anyway?” What if you just started doing the things you love that you CAN still do and gave yourself 5,6,7 months away from loud noises?”

”You already cut everything out, why don’t you go play basketball again, why don’t you give less of a shit about work and just spend every bit of your free time doing things you love. See what happens.”

So I did that. I started playing basketball and gave less of a shit at work. I met this cool amazing new person who wanted to learn how to lift weights and I started training them.

I started falling in love with parts of my life again.

I started doing things I loved and I had moments where I forgot about how bad my ears were. My hearing wasn’t my whole life, it was just a part of it, and then…. it all started to get better.

Those forgetful happy moments turned into minutes, then hours, then weeks then months then 1 year 8 months, and 28 days and counting.

Today, my life is pretty great.

I’d like to tell you it all happened at once, but it didn’t.

I would like to tell you that I had no more setbacks after that, but I did, sometimes they even lasted for weeks and yet I had to test my ears and slowly get exposed to loud sounds for them to get better.

I would like to tell you progress was early and often but honestly it came much later and it was much slower. But at this point, I don’t even think about the progress as much.

I would like to tell you that I’m not in therapy anymore, but shit I’m back at it, with that same awesome therapist, just different challenges.

What I will tell you is your life matters.

I will tell you it all gets better if you keep trying.

Keep trying and you will become better and stronger as a whole, and one piece of you won’t define all of you, but oddly that piece will get better too.

Whether you heal fully or not isn’t always up to you but no one said you have to stop working at it. Imagine time spent on this thing didn’t matter to you, you just worked at it anyway. Think of all the progress you could make over years, just like me.

My ears are at maybe 90% healed. I don’t actually know, and it doesn’t matter, they feel SO GOOD and I am still being cautious and listening to myself as I navigate sound. I have the tools and knowledge now and I’m continuing to let them heal.

Healing starts when fear stops and fear stops when you accept the worst and do things anyway.

Whether you are being sensitive or tough, recovery requires both. Listen to what YOU NEED and that is how YOU will get YOU back.

Don’t have a debilitating injury? Well, then why did YOU stop? Starting before you have to, has even more of an impact on your life.

What if something you feared happened and you were prepared for it? Holy shit!

Preparation also eliminates fear.

Accept the worst, prepare/ do the work, and give yourself time to heal.

Because of this experience, I now believe I can overcome anything, and I believe you can too.

*Read below for just a quick infographic on damaging sounds, and the ear plugs I recommend to everyone for both a safe and enjoyable loud environment experience. I’m not sponsored by Vibes, they are just an important tool I use to enjoy events. They filter the sound so I can still hear music and people while also protecting my ears in a way that few people even notice.