The Family Handbook: Chapter 2

Welcome back to the second installment of my 3 part series on how to deal with family😝

Aka The Family Handbook

Now you may be thinking what does this have to do with my health and fitness? Well, communicating your needs, goals, and personal evolution is crucial for ANY life journey, especially a fitness-based one.

Communicating your personal changes to other people is tough and this is especially true for our family members. They are often our biggest supporters and our toughest critics.

So keep reading, this will come full circle I promise. We will bring the stress down before the weekend, and tackle family gatherings way better together from here on out!

Without further adieu here is Chapter 2!

💡Handbook Step 2) Communicate the change, reset expectations, and set better boundaries.

A few weeks ago I was telling a mentor of mine about a work situation that really pissed me off because someone wasn’t doing something the way I wanted.

He looked at me at said- “Well did they agree to your expectations?
I stared blankly.

He then followed this up with “Did you even tell them what you expected from them?”
I didn’t.

Now this particular expectation setting was in a work context but it applies wonderfully to family dynamics as well.

Why? Well because your family has been around you for not just years, but your whole life. They have seen all versions of you, and they struggle to let any of them go completely. Humans don’t like change, we like repeatable, easy patterns. Change complicates things.

Well, sorry FAM but change is inevitable.

So here is my 3-step process to reduce the family friction around any of your big life changes.

Step 1) Communicate the change
Let’s say that you recently quit drinking and this weekend you tell your family.

You will probably be met with the following:

”But you used to work at a brewery? We don’t believe you!
Just have one, you don’t think you have a problem do you? Are you not feeling well? Now you won’t be any fun.

Truthfully some confusion on their part is valid. It can’t just be “I don’t drink anymore.”

Your family cares and wants an explanation and frankly, they deserve one initially for sure. Tell them what’s up, your why, and let them know it’s not going to put them out at all (this always helps haha!)

Yes, you will need to say it again and explain it, and if you change your mind which you are allowed to do, you will have to explain that decision too.

But when there has been this much time spent between people, you owe them some respect and you owe them the little time it takes to explain your big change.

Are you trying this out? Say that and ask them to respect it. If they pry and disrespect you then you have the right to be upset, but you can’t be upset over someone wanting to know more, because that is at base level a form of care.

Plus if you explain your reasoning then your family can’t create their own story of why you’re making this change and decide your level of commitment for you.

Communicate the change… early, thoroughly, and often!

Step 2) Reset expectations

Child 1 was an angel, child 2 has been far more of a problem. Staying over at your parents for the weekend just isn’t in the cards right now.

But how did you set that new expectation?

Good version: Sending a text Tuesday before the long weekend “Hey Dad, just a heads up we will be leaving after Dinner on Saturday, the kids are struggling to sleep when we are away.

Bad/ Unfair version: Crickets until 5 minutes after dinner, “ Hey Dad we are actually gonna head out.

You can only expect frustration if you didn’t set the right expectation, didn’t provide a reasonable heads up, and once again didn’t communicate the change.

Family time is often routed in tradition, consistency, etc. people look forward to that! So change can be hard for everyone. But I guarantee any change you want to make will be met with far less criticism if it’s not sudden and it gives people time to reset their own expectations. It’s their holiday weekend too!

Can you blame your Dad for wanting you to stay over another night so he can see you and his grandkids? No.

Can he blame you for needing to leave if you give him the heads up on what’s going on? No.

You just have to make sure you reset expectations when things change.

Step 3) Set better boundaries
Okay so let’s talk fitness for a second.

You have decided that you’re going to work out 3x a week. No excuses.

Work got crazy, the kids were all over the place, and Thanksgiving weekend has rolled around with you sitting at 2 workouts completed. What are you going to do?

Thursday you text your Mom and let her know you are coming home Saturday instead of Friday after work. Then you communicate with your partner, they get the kids ready Saturday morning while you get your workout in and you are off to your parent’s house.

However, when you finally get to your parent’s house this change creates a whole thing about you being a “day late” and this gets held over your head for the next 48 hours.

This is where some respectfully stern boundary setting must come in.

”Alright I’m going to be honest with everyone, being told I was a day late is getting annoying. I told you that it made more sense for us to come down Saturday and I gave you fair notice on that, so I was not late.

This will be met with “You came late so you could work out, not because you were actually busy”

This people is where values clash and people say rude things. Unfortunately at some point, we get here with EVERYONE in our lives.

Working out that 3rd time before Thanksgiving weekend, saying no to the pie after dinner on family gathering number two and every other micro disagreement in between, all revolve around boundary setting.

Try this. Answer the above with the following:

“Working out is a priority for me, it allows me to be here, be happy and be present with you, and if we are being honest we would have gotten here late last night anyways, and done very little this morning. So this was the right decision for me.

The same goes for a second piece of pie, if you are done eating, you are done eating.
Why do people care? (well we will get to this one in Chapter 3)

The fact of the matter is, that the hardest part of this process is the final part. You have communicated the change, reset the expectations, and you are still met with pushback.

At this point, it’s time to set boundaries and explain that this is how things are going to be.

End. Of. Discussion. (Your parents will recognize that one)

Now on to Chapter 3!